The Other Side

An old friend used to tell me that in the spiritual world big things equate to small things and small things equate to big things. I never fully understood what he meant by that until life on lockdown began and everything completely shifted. Over the past year I’ve witnessed the way so many seemingly small moments caused these ripple effects in my life. Sometimes immediately, sometimes months later, and some I’m sure I’ve yet to even realize the impact. 

I vividly remember staring at my old turquoise walls in my family’s Bronx apartment, fantasizing about the exciting life I would soon live whenever I got the chance to move out. I didn’t know any of the details, I just knew that one day I wouldn’t have to daydream about it because it would be my reality. When the time finally came, nobody could have ever prepared me for the world shutting down only three months into our lease. After a few intense months of constant anxiety and depression, I eventually decided to surrender to the present moment because I realized that’s all I had control over. Honestly, that’s all we’ve ever had true control over. I threw myself into so many different things to pass the time and give my days some sort of purpose. But at the end of it all, I found the most joy once I understood that it was perfectly fine for me to spend my days relaxing, doing the bare minimum, and spending time healing and growing myself. I didn’t search for a job because I simply do not enjoy labor. I enjoy peace and that’s what I found by tending to myself. Finding new ways to improve my spiritual, physical and emotional health became my full time job and it’s been the most rewarding investment I could have ever made. 

In the midst of my many spiritual and emotional revelations, it started to dawn on me that my relationship with NYC was changing. I knew in my heart that it was time for me to experience someplace new. Atlanta had been on my radar for a while because I knew I wanted to move where I had family support. One random summer day my mom got the idea that we should head to Atlanta for Thanksgiving, and I figured why not? I found three decently priced tickets and booked within the week. I was excited to see family and have a change of scenery for a few days. As life would have it, when November rolled around I was in the process of preparing to move out my Brooklyn apartment. I never had the intention of extending my lease or continuing on with my roommates so I had two options: I could use fear as my crutch and move back in with my family in the Bronx. Or I could take a blind leap of faith and trust that God was pushing me towards something better for myself in Atlanta. Shockingly enough, it was incredibly easy for me to pick the latter. What started as a simple week long trip to visit family turned into my mother and sister helping me move my life down south. Booking that trip was such a small thing, but God had other plans for me, fully knowing it would be such an impactful moment on my journey. 

It’s been five months since becoming a lil’ Georgia peach and the lessons I’m learning are truly changing me from the inside out. Since the MTA is no longer my friend and I don’t have my own car yet, I’ve been forced to sit completely still and be present in every given moment. I’m constantly reminding myself that the only moments I have true control over are the ones happening right now. Yesterday has come and gone and tomorrow isn’t promised, so we might as well fully embrace and experience whatever the present has for us today. I’ve always enjoyed my own company and have never been afraid of spending time alone. Only difference is now I'm realizing the difference between being by myself and being alone with myself. Let’s get into some of the heavy hitters I’ve begun to understand and implement since the big move. 

Know when to surrender to God’s voice and His will. I decided to move pretty abruptly and I realize it may have seemed hasty from the outside looking in. But I was blessed with my family’s support and God’s promise of protection and that’s all I needed. I felt such a heavy wave of peace about my decision that there wasn’t much room for me to lean into fear. I didn’t know what my experience would be at all. I was truthfully just following God and putting my complete faith and trust into His love and guidance. I knew that whatever was waiting for me in Georgia would be worth it. It would be something I needed, and it would be building upon the foundation I’d need to reach my highest potential. Five months in and so far no lies detected. I’ve found that when I move with spirit and follow what God has advised me to do, things always work out for my greatest good. That doesn’t mean it won’t be scary, but if I trust God the way I say I do, then I have to believe that I’m being led purposefully.

Asking for help doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. I believe myself to be very independent and self-sufficient, which sometimes makes asking for help extremely challenging. I’ve been the type to struggle to do things on my own and silently hope that someone would read my mind and extend a hand. Praise be, I now realize how insane that logic is. I’ve never wanted to inconvenience people and have them go out their way to assist me. Truthfully speaking, I think that stems from me not believing I was worthy of people altering their schedules and making time for me. My fear of rejection has had a serious chokehold on me and often pulls me away from situations that might result in people saying no. As I’ve practiced setting boundaries and upholding them (that’s the real tea) I learned the power of my no. So naturally the same way I’m not obligated to say yes to every request, neither is anyone else. Understanding that people absolutely have the right to decline when I ask for something has been so important in understanding that it’s not a no for life or a permanent fuck you. It’s simply a “Sorry Jah, I can’t do that right now” and it doesn’t have to be deeper than that. There’s no love lost.

Asking for help doesn’t make us incapable, incompetent or lazy, or any other limiting belief that we’ve internalized. We live amongst people for a reason. It’s healthy to put your pride aside and seek assistance or guidance when you need it. Once I stopped hiding behind this fear of rejection, I saw how many people were willing to help me succeed this entire time. Like my mother always says, closed mouths don’t get fed. Working on improving my self worth has helped me open my mouth and advocate for myself and my needs. I’m eternally grateful for the lesson and so appreciative of my family for making themselves available to me because I couldn’t have made it without them. I’m even grateful for the times they’ve said no because it’s helped me work on processing and coping with my triggers. At the end of the day we all need people. We’re not meant to do life on our own and it’s important to be able to ask for help when we need it. 

Sitting with nature and stillness is the perfect medicine. When I was younger I used to say all I wanted to do when I grew up was live in the forest and become a medicine woman. The idea sounded pretty farfetched so I silenced it forever. But as I’ve gotten older I am fully embracing the beauty and tranquility I find in nature. My name Jahan means the Universe, which holds such immense power and weight that I feel so blessed to have such a gift bestowed upon me. To know God deemed me worthy and capable of living up to such a name is an honor in itself. So truthfully it only makes sense that I’ve grown up to be this super earthy person who finds so much joy when wrapped up in Mother Nature’s blanket of love. Since moving down here I’ve had so many beautiful experiences in nature. I’ve been hiking up mountains, bathing in creeks, dancing in the rain and as of late, sitting outside admiring the sounds of the birds and the bees. My aunt has this beautiful veranda where I spend hours writing and journaling, reading, napping, and having conversations with myself and God. Having this gorgeous relaxing space as my backyard feels like I’m living out my dream every single day. Right now, my dream is feeling present and at ease within my body, simply enjoying life and having complete gratitude for the ability to share this beautiful world with so many pure energies and spirits. It feels very divine that nature has become my closest friend and teacher in these recent months and I’m blown away at how comforting she has been. 

I don’t have to be happy everyday to know that I’m healing. There have been many many days where I’ve woken up and felt so much sadness with no explanation as to why. Sometimes I’ll go to sleep after having an incredible day and wake up feeling hella depressed. It’s one of the most frustrating emotions for me to work through because I can’t just journal or pray it away. Sometimes nothing works besides me just sitting in those feelings and letting myself be as sad or as numb as I need to be. I’m learning that we can feel multiple things at once and every feeling that comes up is valid. The real work lies in the way I navigate and respond to those feelings. Life is all a balancing act, and despite how hard we work to feel good about ourselves and to feel vibrant and whole, there’s going to be days where we just don’t feel too hot and that’s normal. I mean we’re living in Pandora’s Box for God’s sake. We have to honor whatever feelings come up and work to process them as best we can. Some days will be easier than others, but we got this!

Communicating my feelings lifts a weight off my spirit and sets me free. The people-pleaser in me often struggles to advocate for myself in my relationships because I never want to ruffle any feathers. I always felt that communicating my needs and setting boundaries was rude and aggressive. Whew lord, thank you for releasing me from the shackles of silence because that is such a belittling way to treat myself. It’s still difficult for me at times, but I have learned to speak up about what I have the capacity for and what I simply cannot and will not do. Now, I’m teaching myself that we set boundaries because we love and respect ourselves. If I can’t uphold my own boundaries then why should I expect others to respect them? It’s simple maths sis. I’m now able to have tough conversations and not run for the hills (not as fast anyway) at the idea of communicating what’s on my heart. If you haven’t put boundaries into play, I’m begging you to start because it feels amazing and empowering!

Reshaping my thoughts around conflict has also helped as I now can understand that it’s normal and can be an opportunity for clarity and growth. Experiencing conflict doesn’t have to mean that people hate each other or that they’re discarding the relationship. Conflict also isn’t necessarily synonymous with confrontation. This has always been my view since childhood and it’s taken a long time to unlearn that. Strengthening my emotional maturity has helped me see the benefits of expressing my thoughts and setting myself free. Holding my tongue for the sake of someone else’s feelings only leaves me feeling anxious and unsafe in my own body. I’ve worked too hard to make my body feel like home again for me to turn around and betray my spirit for other people. Speaking out still brings up some anxiety, but staying silent isn’t effective or healthy. I’m happy to report I’ve been wearing my big girl panties way more these days and I’m proud of myself for it! Learning to see conflict as me + person vs the problem gives me peace of mind because I know it’s an opportunity to get our needs met and ultimately strengthen the relationship. 

Learning to fully receive my family’s love and affection has taught me how to better love myself and others. I grew up in a home where I knew we were loved because of what we had. We had shelter, we never went to bed hungry, and we had clothes and the necessities of life. But our household was emotionally stunted in a lot of ways. Now that I’ve grown up and I’m on my own healing journey I can finally understand why my mother parented us the way she did. It doesn’t change the fact that I wish some things were done differently, but at least now I can understand why they weren’t. Giving myself permission to feel both of those things was an important step towards healing.

When I moved to Georgia I wasn’t prepared for how insanely different this side of the family would be compared to my NYC family. In these past five months I’ve never been hugged and kissed on this much. I’ve never been told “I love you” at least once a day, by several people at that. I’ve never been used to so many people showing me how much I’m valued and cared for. I’ll be honest, it was a lot to take in for the first few months. It made me really uncomfortable and overwhelmed, which was frustrating but I had to be compassionate and gracious with myself.. and sometimes I couldn’t be. I experienced disconnects where my mind would welcome the affection, but my body would tense up and retreat. Accepting all this love was so foreign and strange for me, but it was also a feeling I’d been longing for my entire life. I’d been praying for an abundant life filled with love and joy and here it was staring me right in the face. At some point I realized being able to embrace my family’s affection and care meant that I had to fully recognize that I am and always have been worthy of such treatment. I still have many moments where I’m amazed to see how deeply and selflessly loved I am, but everyday I’m learning to embrace it and take it all in. Some days it looks like telling my cousins I love them before we part ways, and some days I’ve got to force myself to get comfortable being held. At times it’s felt like baby steps, but baby steps are still steps nonetheless. I didn’t expect to learn these lessons about self love and acceptance in this way, but I can see that it’s all a part of revealing my higher self. I can’t offer love and support to myself, my friends and family, my community and my future partners if I can’t accept it and know I’m worthy of receiving it. God is laying the foundation for the future I’ve been praying for and I’m grateful for each opportunity for growth.