A Midnight Prayer

I’ve come to you this long, sleepless night with a hopeful heart. 

Lately, our conversations have become more intimate and I don’t fear your judgement anymore. Tonight I want to thank you.

Thank you for keeping me covered and safe during these awfully dark months. 

You’ve kept me fed, healthy, and comfortably housed in the midst of such turmoil. 

Thank you for showing me that my happiness is my responsibility. Even when it feels impossible. 

You’ve shown me how to heal my wounds, both self-inflicted and not. 

Thank you for removing those who couldn’t love me the way you always have. 

You’ve brought my pain to the surface while giving me the tools to take action. 

Thank you for teaching me self-awareness because now I see that sometimes I’m the problem.

You’ve cornered me into difficult conversations that I never thought I could handle and together we did. 

Thank you for teaching me grace and compassion—I needed it in order to understand my family and their ways. 

Weeks ago I prayed to you pleading for Papi’s life. I begged you to show him mercy and keep him for us, but you didn’t... We are hurting, but I’m trying to understand… what was the reason?

You’ve taught me to release my selfish desires even in death. My prayers made a painful, but necessary shift. I don’t like your decision. I hate that you took him from us, but I’m choosing to trust you anyways.

I guess you needed him more than we did? I know you’ll take care of him. Please just make sure you take care of my siblings too.

Please wipe the tears from my families’ eyes as they cry themselves to sleep in secret. 

Kiss their wounds and nurse them back to life, as you’ve done for me time and time again. 

Thank you for showing me that I can dream even beyond my wildest dreams, because no dream is ever too big for you. 

Thank you for showing me tenderness during my many nights of heartache. I’d never felt that kind of pain before, but I know it was you who saw me through. 

I’ll be honest, since you already know my heart. I also come to you seeking counsel.

God, please give me the courage to step outside of my discomfort and be a nurturing rock to those who need your healing the most. It’s not natural for me but I want to learn to be better.

Please help me to see myself the way you’ve always seen me. 

Please God, let me have the same faith in myself that you’ve always had in me. 

Please pave me a beautiful path where I can walk proudly in my passion and purpose, because right now I don’t know where you’re taking me.

God, will you guide me to the deep healthy love that I crave? I pray you see that for me. 

Please keep me safe from men who use me and hurt me for their personal gain, without so much as a second thought for the damage they cause. 
Please give me the discernment to recognize if you sent them or the devil did.  

God, will you teach me to love myself so completely that I don’t require love from another? It’s hard but I really am working on it.

Please keep me kindhearted and pure in my intentions.  

God, you are love and that is the only place I wish to act from. Please be patient and show me how.

Protect me from my own misery. Protect me from my fears as well as my foolish desires. 

Please reveal the life you’ve designed for me, and do love me and guide me each step of the way. 

Give me the strength to leave him alone, because he deserves peace just as much as I do. I don’t want to be selfish anymore.

Please show me grace when I make my next mistake, because we both know I will. 

May you remind me on my darkest nights that the only way out of hell is to continue moving through it. 

On the days that I question your doing, will you send me gentle reminders that your plan is always the best? I’m not ashamed to admit that sometimes I forget. 

Will you show the world how to love and protect my people? You know we can’t do it alone. 

May you show this world how to protect Black women? We can’t keep fighting for each other and all of humanity by ourselves. I know you see how tired we are.

Shower your love and blessings onto us as often as you can, so we have fuel to pour back into each other. 

Thank you for everything you’ve ever done and will continue to do until I draw my last breath.

Thank you for loving me on the days I was too ashamed to call out to you.

Thank you for becoming my very best friend. I’m just sorry it took us so long to get here.

God, you are love and because of you, I am love.

Thank you for listening to this midnight prayer.

Love you deep,

Jah