The Black Sheep

Every flock of sheep is led by a sheepherder or a shepherd. You might think the two are synonymous, but they are in fact different. A sheepherder drives sheep, herding from the back of the flock. When a sheepherder drives and corrects his sheep from behind, the young sheep grow up afraid to stray and explore their surroundings. They fear being yoked up by the sheepherder’s shaft, or having dogs sent out to round them up and bring them back to formation. The sheep have no room to deviate and learn from their mistakes. Those baby sheep are raised to be obedient, passive and apathetic. A shepherd on the other hand leads his flock from the front, drawing the sheep to himself. When a shepherd walks in front of his flock, he gives the sheep room to stray, experiment and play, get lost and eventually find their way back. The shepherd’s sheep grow up to feel free and empowered, instead of overly controlled and oppressed. 

Up until today I never thought about how much I identified with a sheep. I’m sure most of us can remember bits and pieces of our upbringings, to varying degrees. And if you can’t, let me do the honor of telling you that whatever happened back then is most definitely influencing who you are today in one way or another. So with that being said, is it fair to assume that the type of leadership our caregivers adhered to, whether they were figurative sheepherders or shepherds, hugely impacts the way we, their hypothetical sheep, take up space in the world? I vote yes. The black sheep in particular has always resonated with me. Society typically symbolizes black sheep as the odd family member who doesn’t necessarily fall in line with the others. They drift away from the flock and almost never seem to be on the same course as everybody else. They can be known for making bad decisions and they’re often labeled as difficult, sometimes even disgraceful, for going against the grain. They have wildly different principles and values from the rest of the family, thus creating a disconnect between them and the others. They often feel misunderstood and silenced because their experiences and beliefs rarely align with the rest of the flock. Chances are you either know the black sheep, or you are the black sheep. The world is full of them, and it’s time we start recognizing their power. 

Like many Black families, mine is big, entertaining and very opinionated (especially when nobody asked). We celebrate each other’s accomplishments and show up when expected to. The love is undeniably there. But if you were to examine our flock from a bird’s eye view, you’d find a few black sheep speckled throughout. They might not admit it, but I am definitely one of them. I’ve always been different for one reason or another. I was too fat all my life, and then became too skinny when I finally did something about it. I am the inclusive and passionate one who actually believes all Black lives matter. I question aspects of our religion and I disagree with a lot of people’s opinions and beliefs. I am the mystic one that believes in energies and manifestation, and makes sure to have my palo santo close by. The trouble with being the black sheep of a family is that the things that make you seem strange are actually most of the things that largely define you. After overcoming about a decade of shame, I’ve learned to embrace all my differences because these are truly the best parts of me. Humans have this tendency to cast away people and things that don’t fall into line. I think we find it much easier to separate people who don’t share our vision for normalcy because life is less complicated that way. Unfortunately, the lack of delicacy and willingness to expand on the family’s part can leave the black sheep feeling completely erased and rejected. We’ll often shut down and mute ourselves in order to conform and fit the mold of whatever it means to be normal. We live on the defense, always anticipating a rebuttal to something that we know will inevitably trigger us. The black sheep has to choose to bury parts of themselves in hopes of being accepted by the people they expect to love them the most. If we’re lucky we’ll venture out and find a community that can fully embrace us, quirks and all. But when we’re not so lucky, we’re attempting to keep up this balancing act while figuring out how much of our identity is safe to bare to the world.

Our differences are our superpowers. The black sheep goes against the grain, and encourages others to open their minds and shift their views. We make people uncomfortable because we challenge cultural norms and traditions, and we do so with passion and vigor. Yes, we’re human and we don’t always get it right, but we can be, and should be, open to learning and growing. I believe our empathy for the world pushes us to fight for our beliefs forcefully, and sometimes what we’re desperately trying to communicate can be life saving. Unfortunately, our family and friends just aren’t always mentally in a space to receive it. For instance, I can’t even count how many times my friends and I have conversations about mental health issues and the value of seeking therapy as Black people. Personally, I think therapy should highkey be a prerequisite to living while Black in America. Yet and still, despite society now recognizing that mental health is just as important as our physical and spiritual health, way too many Black people are still against seeking help. Even if we feel ostracized for the things we believe in, it’s important to recognize the courage it takes to have pride in the things that make us stand out. 

If you’ve felt disconnected in your faith and decide it’s time to redefine your spirituality, you deserve to find what resonates with you. If you’ve decided to follow your passion and purpose, stand tall in that and never shrink to appease others. If you choose to honor your mental health and prioritize your healing, unapologetically set your boundaries and release the guilt around it. There is an unstoppable force that’s ignited when we stand confidently in who we are. No one should be forced to deny themselves the freedom of walking in their truth. We need to refrain from diminishing ourselves in hopes of becoming more palatable. The black sheep won’t be understood by everyone and we just have to accept that. We were made this way for a reason. Just remember that our differences give us this special sauce—they are our superpowers. 

Create your own flock. As humans I think we’ll always have some sort of inclination for acceptance. That’s not necessarily going to change just because you get older or because you want it to. Sometimes our friends and family eventually come around to expanding their minds and learn to embrace us as best they can. They might genuinely surprise you and it’s a really special moment when that happens. But the reality is that’s not going to be everyone’s story. What’s helped me as I’ve learned to navigate being a black sheep is that I always have the option to start over and find a new flock if I need to. Change takes a whole lot of work and if you’ve ever gone through some real deep level of change, you know we’re only able to change ourselves. Therefore, acceptance is the next best thing. You have options here and you’ll have to determine how acceptance will look for you. Everyone’s experience is different—there’s no one size fits all here. Whatever you decide, remember it’s your decision to make and yours alone. I’ve chosen acceptance with a heavy sprinkle of boundaries on top. My family and I will likely never agree on certain things, but I’ve come to understand that they’re actually just rejecting discomfort and growth. It doesn’t necessarily mean they’re rejecting me, or that something is inherently wrong with me or the way I think. I choose to accept and love them for the many great qualities they do possess. But I also make the intentional decision to set boundaries for myself, to protect my peace of mind because I worked hard to get here. My differences are the magical parts of who I am and they’re the things I’m most proud of. My choice was to accept my family where they are, while creating my own flock with other misunderstood black sheep with the Universe, God and Life as our shepherds.

Living a joy filled life is our birthright, and we deserve to be celebrated and loved for being exactly who we are. There are people out there who share the same ideals and are willing to hold you up in all your black sheep glory. There’s people out there that’ll encourage you to take up space in the rooms that need to hear what you have to say, because your feelings matter. Own exactly who you are and spread that light wherever you go. Go where you are celebrated and not tolerated. Bask in your differences, show up for each other, and set your superpowers loose. It’s ultimately up to us to create our own happiness and nothing makes me happier than being my authentic self. As you navigate the world, take time to recognize the ways in which you lead and hold space for others. Aim to be the shepherd who gives people room to grow and opportunities to explore and learn as they go. Be the shepherd who gives their sheep permission to roam and trusts they’ll find their way. Give people grace and the opportunity to exercise their will to be whoever it is they choose to be, because that’s all we’ve ever wanted for ourselves.