Love Me Loudly
If there’s one thing 2020 showed us time and time again it’s that our time here doesn’t last forever. This past year we’ve experienced an unfathomable amount of traumatic death in such a short time. It’s overwhelming and difficult to process, especially for Black people across the world. When I’m not thinking of Oluwatoyin Salau, Breonna Taylor, Rem’mie Fells, and Elijah McClain, I think of Sha-Asia Washington, Brandon Hendricks, and countless other Black people who’ve left us too soon. Black and Brown death has been rampant this year and we haven’t been able to fully grieve one life before another is ripped away. I also reflect on the hundreds of thousands of people who died alone in hospital beds, strapped to ventilators as they lost their fight to COVID-19. The world is in a constant state of mourning and it's taking its toll on me.
Processing grief and trauma in these quarantined months has pushed me to reflect on my own life and the people I’ve chosen to spend it with. Looking back at the person I started this pandemic as and the person I’ve evolved into a year later, I’ve realized how important authenticity is for me. As someone who’s been misunderstood and judged for some of my life choices, it’s important that I remember to stay true to who I am and what I believe in. In staying true to ourselves, we’re required to assess our relationships with the people in our lives and notice the ways in which we choose to love each other. Over the past few months, I sat back and dissected my own relationships so I could get clear on the ways I want people to show up for me. This has also helped me realize the areas that I’ve fallen short in supporting others, as well as myself. I’d like to share a few of the biggest lessons I’ve learned throughout my exploration.
Love me loudly, or don’t love me at all. At today’s big age of 26, I have complete control over who I choose to let in my world. As someone who enjoys seeing people win and accomplishing their goals, I’m going to boost you up because why not? Like my good sis Issa said, I’m rooting for everybody Black! When my friend shares exciting news with the group chat, best believe I’m going to amp my sis because I am she and she is me. When my family shares something they’re proud of, I absolutely will cheer them on because their pride is my pride. When my friend posts a fire picture on the gram, they already know I’m flooding the comments and gassing them up. I mean why not? You never know what people are going through behind closed doors, what struggles they overcome daily, and how hard it can be to share things with the world. We sometimes need that reassurance and emotional support, and it takes nothing away from me to give that to someone else. Even on the days I’m not feeling my best, I work really hard not to project that onto others. Even if feelings of jealousy creep in, I try my best to remember that my issues are mine and mine alone. At the end of the day everyone deserves to have their special moments be celebrated, and they deserve to be celebrated wholeheartedly. The people in my life are so special to me and it’s important they know that I love them loudly and proudly. With that being said, I need to know that my friends and family are willing to show up for me with that same energy. Love me on my best days when my heart is bursting at the seams. But also be willing to love me on the days when I have nothing to offer. Can you pour into me and love me back to life when my cup is depleted? I’ve decided that I need my people to show up and support me with their whole chest, because that’s what we all deserve. Love me loudly and proudly, or just don’t love me at all.
Those who ride for me and constantly encourage me to be my best self are the people I want to stay. Those who see me and boost me up no matter the size of my accomplishment, they deserve a seat at the table. I’m happy I can say that my family tries their best and their effort is greatly appreciated. They may not always understand me, but they show up in their own way and that’s what matters to me. I feel especially blessed that my closest friends have shown up and out for me in more ways than I can probably count, particularly through all these quarantine feels. They’ve been up and down this emotional rollercoaster with me for a minute and I’m beyond grateful to have them. They’ve walked me through depression, unexpected heartache, failed relationships, and processing grief. There’s no envy or backhanded compliments because we all understand that even when our own lives aren’t where we’d like them to be, cheering on our sister elevates all of us. My girls gave me the strength to carry on during my darkest hours, whether they knew it or not. There are no guards or walls over here. There are no stones left unturned because we feel that comfortable and safe being vulnerable. They love me through my transitional periods as I discover the type of person I want to be. They love me on my best days and most importantly on my worst, and that’s a love we all deserve. But of course life is about balance, so it’s only right that I realized I had to let a few people go too. A little spring cleaning in the friendship department never hurts and just like the seasons come and go, people do too. I’m choosing to believe God is paving a way for new friendships that’ll perfectly align with this upgraded version of myself.
Know when to let go. Right before 2020 began, I decided to wrap up some loose ends on a couple friendships that were dangling for dear life. To be fair, they revealed their true colors to me years ago. I was just naive and way too hopeful that it wasn’t a reflection of how they valued me as a friend. The people pleaser in me just can’t stand being on bad terms with people, even if I’m not the one at fault. It’s horrible because that’s literally just life, but I’m working on it. Anyway, I was starting 2020 on a positive note, in a new apartment and I didn’t want to bring any stale energy with me. So, I went with my gut and decided that if they saw something worth fighting for, they knew where to find me. Spoiler alert: it’s been crickets ever since.
In the moments where their names resurfaced this year, it hurt to know they were alive and well, carrying on with their lives seemingly unphased by my absence. It was then that I accepted they clearly didn’t value me or our friendship the way I valued theirs. Sure, I’d experienced feeling undervalued by the fuckboys of the world, but this one hit different. It finally occurred to me that of course I can be overlooked, because I’m human just like everybody else! I’m no exception to the rule. That reality hurt like hell, but I definitely needed that lesson. I sat down with myself and repeated this affirmation: God protects me because He loves me, and His love reigns supreme. Whether people like me or not is really none of my business as long as I like me and God loves me. Fine, they may not recognize my value or my worth, but baby don’t think it ain’t there! At the end of the day not everyone is meant to do life with us forever, and there’s nothing wrong with that. People change, we outgrow each other, our values shift, and sometimes we just can’t coexist in the same way anymore. Though it took me a few times to learn this lesson, I finally get it now. I’m learning to accept people for who they are without physically or mentally holding space for them. Most importantly, I’ve discovered my self-worth and I’m not begging for half-assed friendships that don’t reciprocate my energy. Gone are the days where I play myself for the validation of others. I needed to be reminded that I am worthy of healthy loving relationships, period. Because I’m more than enough, today and always! And that’s on Mary had a little city girl.
You’re allowed to close a chapter and walk away. In 2019, I ended a relationship that changed my perspective on love and partnership in a major way. In many ways, we had created the healthiest relationship either of us had ever seen and it was beautiful to be a part of. We had no blueprint, we just knew we wanted to be different than the relationships we grew up seeing. It was the first time I actually understood the difference between a boyfriend and a partner. It was the kind of relationship that made me feel grown, grown. We were lovers and best friends and it was something I never thought could exist for me at the time. The love was tender and rich, and it felt like home. But at some point I realized there were things within myself that needed tending to, and that internal work required me doing it alone. My insecurities started bleeding into the relationship and it wasn’t helping either of us. There wasn’t anything catastrophic that forced me to leave, which made rationalizing the break-up that much harder. Ending our relationship felt impossible for me because there were some pretty great reasons to stay. He wasn’t trifling. He didn’t cheat on me or dog me out. Of course it had its ebbs and flows, but the good definitely outweighed the bad. Aside from the inevitable heartbreak, I was terrified that I would never find someone as sensitive, vulnerable, and loving as he was. I felt I had been blessed with an amazing person, so to leave would be a slap in the face to God. I danced around the idea for a while before I made the decision to call it quits. At some point I just had to boss up and stop neglecting my needs. It killed me to hurt him, but it would’ve hurt me more to stay.
After the relationship ended, I went through the whole emotional rollercoaster with pits and falls of sadness and regret. Some months I really felt the joy of intentional singlehood. This was new for me since I’d only ever been single out of circumstance. Others months I’d torture myself with old photos, reading old texts convincing myself that I must’ve made a mistake. Being single and sad and in the middle of a panoramic? It was a lot. In the end though I tried to ground myself by staying true to the reason I ended things in the first place—to commit to my own healing. And so that’s what I did. I was reminded that God and the Universe are always working for me and never against me. I started journaling a lot and I watched tons of videos by my internet big sis Breeny Lee. I started talking to myself a lot and found a lot of healing and reflection through writing, which is how you’re able to read this right now. Now that I’m on the other side, it actually seems ridiculous to think God would punish me for choosing myself and doing what I knew was right. Looking back at it, God was the one who told me to leave in the first place. I believe great things come when we move in the direction of our spirit, especially when we have no clue where we’re headed. Closing one chapter without knowing what’s next is a bold and brave move. It’s essentially walking by faith and not by sight, and that’s terrifying no matter what you’re walking away from. Closing that chapter was the spiritual catalyst for the all self-development and healing that came during my singleness. I think sometimes we’re afraid to be single because we’re afraid of ourselves. We avoid the pain, the trauma, the triggers, the things we’ve pushed to the darkest depths of who we are. Unfortunately we can only hide from ourselves for so long. At some point we’ve all got to deal with our shit, and it’s our sole responsibility to do that work. Today I can honestly say the most important relationship in my life right now is the one I’m building with myself. I’m enjoying this process of re-discovering who I am, which all started with shattering the belief that I needed a man to feel fulfilled. Once I chose to stop running away from myself, I realized how comforting it was to run heart first into my own arms. Don’t get me wrong now, some days singlehood can be extremely ghetto. But overall I genuinely love it here and I’ll keep choosing myself for as long as I have to. And you should too.
Ultimately there are lessons to be learned in every single person we meet, in every experience we have, and in every transition we undergo. I now know what it feels like to be loved fully (by myself + somebody’s son), and to experience love in the most intimate of ways. I’ve learned that choosing yourself sometimes means letting others down, but that’s just the way life goes. We adjust and we keep on keeping on. I know I’m deserving of my beautiful Black love story and when I’m ready for it, it will find me again. And if that’s what you want then it’ll find you too. Remember these gems and watch yourself soar!
Goodness will always find its way to you when you honor yourself and your spirit.
Hold onto your integrity and liberate yourself when you need to, and never feel bad for doing so.
Closing one chapter just sets you up to begin a new one filled with endless possibilities.
Be afraid and do it anyways. Just trust that something better will always find its way to you.