A World of Rivers
Today marks the start of the new year and this one feels different. I used to go into the new year not having many expectations for my future. Truthfully it’s only been about four years since I really started thinking about my life and the future with solid intention. And even then I still never have the year I imagine I will. Every year since 2020 has given me exactly what I need, and never what I expect. Realistically that’s just how life works, but I didn’t start paying attention until pretty recently. This year I’m starting things off in a space I never imagined I’d be in. I’m in the depths of a major transformation and it’s scary and very unexpected. Throughout this little life of mine, I’ve definitely come to realize that if there’s one thing God will do, it’s shake the table when you least expect it.
Last year I had the opportunity to continue working in youth development as a youth advocate for a non-profit in Harlem. I remember starting the job in January of 2023 and immediately feeling the imposter syndrome settle in. I’ve always been used to working jobs with a large staff, where I never had too much responsibility in terms of ideation. When I worked front desk at a yoga studio, even on the days I worked alone things were fairly simple. There was a checklist to follow and everyday was practically the same. When I was a flight attendant, sure I was in charge of the safety of an entire aircraft, but I knew what to do, exactly when to do it, every single flight, every single time. When I worked with my patients at an eating disorder treatment facility, the schedule was always the same. Every night we had phone time, dinner, meds, hygiene and bed time. I never knew what unit I’d be on until I walked in, and I didn’t know what sort of emotions and triggers I’d be dealing with that night but still, the procedure was created for me.
Fast forward to working my first office job with a small team of two-six depending on the day, five days a week? It was a huge transition for me. I had to overcome my own limiting beliefs in that role and despite the challenges I faced within the organization, I gained so much confidence in myself. I learned that I couldn’t advocate for my students without first knowing how to advocate for myself. My communication skills soared. I was no longer afraid of taking up space and I happily let people know that playing in my face was no longer an option. I created workshops and managed a team on my own for the first six months. I built amazing individual relationships with over fifty Black and Brown students, most of whom were young men which was a new demographic for me. I supported my team and my students and gave them a safe place to be held and heard, and those relationships made showing up every single day absolutely worth it. I love and appreciate my work family so much and I hope they know how much they changed me for the better. At the end of 2023, I felt called to explore something new and was blessed with an opportunity to continue youth development work, only this time in the UAE. Unfortunately, the stars did not align and soon after quitting my job, I was informed that the program was cancelled.
So here we are, back to the bit about God shaking the table when we least expect it. I don’t know why things happened the way they did, but I’m now at the stage of accepting what is and learning to move forward with where I am now. I fully trust God’s plan for my life, and despite being deeply annoyed about the way things seemed to crumble right before my eyes, I can accept that it wasn’t meant for me to be there at this time. I am sad, and disappointed, and confused, and a bit angry at God for bringing me this close and then taking it away, and I’m owning all of those emotions. I also know that God won’t leave me out here to suffer on my own. I was obedient and was committed to doing it afraid. That alone gives me comfort because I know God closes one door only to open another that will exceed my expectations.
It’s taken me a while to share this with the world. Honestly, I didn’t even want to share the news with my own family and friends. I started this post on New Year’s Day and couldn’t get past the first paragraph before I had to stop. We’re now two months into the future, and I’m finally able to get all these thoughts out and it feels like a weight has been lifted. It may not make sense, but I felt embarrassed when I found out I wasn’t going anymore. Even though I knew I’d done everything right on my end, and it was in no way my fault. The negative self-talk just went crazy, and I was embarrassed about how people would view me. I knew leaving a stable job for this short-term opportunity abroad already sounded crazy to everyone. Someone even said “that’s such a Jahan thing to do”. But thruthfully I can’t even take offense because they’re right. I love that I’m willing to take crazy leaps of faith and go after the unknown. And I love that people recognize that about me! Why? Because it means after all these years of learning how to live for myself and not for other people, it’s finally paying off. Every time I’ve made a leap of faith and just trusted God to take me through it, amazing things have found me on the other side.
I prayed on this opportunity and the alignment of it all showed me that it absolutely was God ordained. But even still, when things didn’t work out after I’d already left my job, I felt embarrassed and a little dumb.. as if everyone would laugh and say “I told you so”? I realized in that moment how much I still care about what other people think of me. And I wasn’t judging myself for caring because I understand what it’s taken to uproot all that’s been planted in my mind. I decided to flip it and saw this as an opportunity for me to practice self-soothing in real time. I had to seriously love and console myself and remind myself that I am committed to living a life that brings me joy and fulfillment. Just because this one thing didn’t work out doesn’t make me a failure. And even when we do fail, we’re failing forward. Whether people understand or agree is truly none of my business.
People will always have something to say when we choose to do things outside the norm. But what I’m no longer allowing is for people to project their own fears and limiting beliefs onto my life and my plans. I believe we all fall victim to this until we eventually know better, and thank God I finally know better. I understand and fully respect the way that other people view life and work and the systems they believe to be true. A lot of times people just don’t understand that I simply don’t want the same life as them. We value different things and desire to take up space in the world very differently. I believe that the work I do can be impactful, and enjoyable, while also allowing me to live the life of my dreams. I think it sounds far fetched to some and absolutely possible to others—and that’s okay. I know myself too well to believe I could walk the same walk as the people around me. No shade, it’s just not for moi. And I want everyone to realize it’s really okay for us to not all be the same. In fact we were quite literally created to all be unique individuals. There’s some of us daring to create the lives of our dreams, and just because we don’t have the road-map or the answers other people want from us, doesn’t mean that our dreams aren’t worthy of becoming actualized. Because they absolutely are friend.
At this point in my life I genuinely couldn’t care less who understands my vision for my life. Hell, most times I don’t even fully understand it myself. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t have all the answers. And maybe I don’t need to in order to create a life I’m excited about. And you probably don’t either. I’m learning to be content just trusting that God will walk with me through every stage of this journey. I don’t know what’s next for me and I feel like a lot of people don’t like that answer, but it’s the truth. I am very much single and child-free, and I don’t have anyone else to take care of right now except for me. I don’t owe anyone anything, and I’m not moving on anyone else’s timeline other than my own. I am no longer embarrassed to be open about not knowing what the next phase on the journey is. What I can say is I’m excited to explore new creative ideas this year, and I’m going to do my best to continue being authentic and transparent along the way. I know some people might be against me sharing so much of the uncertainty’s of my life, but why should I shy away from sharing the process? The process deserves a stage just as a much as the destination. I know there are so many people who feel just as lost as me right now. Who are in a season of starting over and feel like they don’t have a clue where they’re headed. Well fear not friends, because you are not alone. Perhaps if we made people feel safe enough to be more vulnerable, then we wouldn’t have to suffer in silence as we figure life out alone—together. That’s my hope anyway as I continue to bare fragments of my soul for the world to see on my tiny corner of Beyoncé’s internet. I hope this love letter to the process finds its way into the hands of someone who really needs to read these words. It’s perfectly okay to not know what you’re doing, and it’s okay to not know what’s next. If we commit to learning more about what moves us and take daily steps towards the things that light us up, I know eventually we’ll get there.
Recently I was reminded in a video by Tiffany Laibhen* that allowing ourselves to start over is a blessing in so many ways. We are complex and multifaceted beings and so many versions of us exist. We have to carve out time and space to connect back to ourselves and start asking some tough questions that only we have the answers to. Tiffany mentioned something that I especially needed to hear and it’s that not everyone is going to believe in what you’re doing, and you can’t let that stop you from doing it anyway. We can apply that to so many different things, so let that be a reminder for you as well. She also spoke about allowing ourselves to be open and flexible during this time. We are going to have to do some different things if we’re growing and elevating into a different version of ourselves. And that’s going to require getting out of our comfort zones more. We have to be stretched and experience some growing pains in this season. And lastly, it won’t be easy but it’ll absolutely be worth it.
I won’t lie, I did roll my eyes a few times during this video because she read me real bad. BUT I know sister is speaking straight facts. I’ve been resisting the changes that’s happening and I realized that’s partly because I’m grieving the life I once had, AND the new life I thought would replace the old one. I’ve been giving myself alone time to come to terms with wherever I’m being taken and accepting that yes, this was not your plan but as we’ve seen time and time again—God’s plan always trumps mine. God doesn’t take things away from us to punish us, so I know whatever is coming is going to blow me away. I need us all to know that and genuinely believe it, please and thank you!
Over the last couples months I’ve been using the guided journal to one of my favorite books — You Are a Badass, by Jen Sincero. This pieces of advise Jen gives has been so incredibly affirming and confirming for me.
You are perfect. To think anything less is as pointless as a river thinking that it’s got too many curves, or that it moves too slowly or that its rapids are too rapid. Says who? You’re on a journey with no defined beginning, middle or end. There are no wrong twists and turns. There is just being. And your job is to be as you as you can be. This is why you’re here. To shy away from who you truly are would leave the world you-less. You are the only you there is and ever will be…Do not deny the world its one and only chance to bask in your brilliance.
This idea of rivers simply flowing whichever way and never questioning it sounds so simple, and its so true. One of the reasons I love spending time with nature is because you get to learn so many lessons that translate over to our human world. What’s different in nature we call rare, yet what’s different amongst humans we deem weird. Why? We can understand that every animal or plant within an ecosystem plays its own role and has its own purpose. So why do we struggle with that same concept as humans? The sun is going to shine as bright as it wants regardless of how much we complain. So why can’t we? I want to be more confident like a river. I want us all to be accepting of ourselves at every ebb and flow. Especially when we find ourselves in a dry or pruning season. Even when we’re feeling lost at sea, there’s no wrong twists and turns, there is just being. I’m finally understanding that life is less about about having all the answers and more about discovering our true selves and being that as lovingly and authentically as we can be. And whatever is birthed from that are tiny sprinkles of purpose being scattered across the world—landing on all meant to be blessed by God’s blessings upon you.
Ironically my full name, Jahan Rivers (Jahan meaning the world in Arabic) translates to The World of Rivers—so you can see how this concept hits different for me. I’m going to continue working to embrace the ebbs and flows of my life and keep my faith activated as I navigate these waters. I hope you’ll do the same.
Ciao for now friends,
-Big Jah
* Tiffany Laibhen’s / Tiffany TV’s video - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MyugYrf2UGc